2. HISTORY
29/08/2002
Everybody has a story to tell about their family and their history. Most of us even have a sad story to tell. What matters in life is not about how bad or how good it was, but what lessons have you taken from your life experiences.
Now where to start? I will try my best to paint you a picture about this family’s history.
My name is Alice and my sister’s name is Biscuit. We are the only two who have the same blood running though our veins. Our Dad is Patrick (he can even move on the dance floor like Patrick Swayze). At the time of me writing these letters, he is still alive and kicking. Our Mother is Eileen and at this stage I will not give her a surname, you’ll see why. Sadly she passed away on the 10th of October 1999, never even seeing the new millennium.
I think they were married in 1961 and got divorced in 1971. They both remarried not long after.
Dad married Elizabeth Pretorius and they have two children. Suzy and Lewellyn. Mom married John Doe and they have Sammy. John has a son, Luke. That makes Suzy, Lewellyn & Sammy our half siblings and Luke our Stepbrother.
I never knew Dad’s parents; they passed away when he was still a young lad. I met two or three of the brothers and sisters, but can however only remembers Oom Danie. He’s the alternative to normal. Likes to think of himself as sexy and charming, therefore, needless to say that he goes out of his way to look larney and smell nice, and believe me, you do smell him from a mile away. Ok, let’s make it at least twenty paces. I also know that he is the type of person who counts his canned food and measures the bread. Dad and them were ten kids, can you believe it? Poor Grandma. I only went through the birthing process twice. Can you imagine doing it ten times!
Dad is the type of person who battles to show love and affection. He hides it very well. That’s understandable if you take into consideration that he was number ten out of a line-up of ten. Like I mentioned earlier, his parent passed away while he was still a youngster. He became the responsibility of the older brothers and sisters and was sent from the one to the other. I think it could have made him eager and ready to explore his options of sustaining himself. By the sound of it Dad was doing his own thing round about fifteen, sixteen. He worked as a shunter in Durban harbour. He met mom in a Jive Bar. They were both very good dancers. She worked at the Post Office when they met.
Mom didn’t do any better either during her forming years. They were just two sisters. Our Grandma on that side is “Abraham Stephanus”. Can you imagine how difficult it must have been for a girl having a boy’s name? That was the result of a death bed promise – try to stay clear of those. While her mother was pregnant she promised her father that the baby in her womb would carry his family name. No wonder grandma was always rebellious and difficult. She had to cope with being teased and laughed at from as far as she could remember. So she got on her high horse and stayed there! She changed her second name to Stephanie with her first pay and introduced herself as Steph from then on.
As we speak she is residing in Huis-de-Graaff (an old-age home) in Graaf-Reinet, a beautiful little town in the Karoo. She, like her mother suffers from Alzheimer’s disease, but I still love her to bits. She has no idea who she is. No one can stand being with her, and believe me, all have very valuable reasons. SHE SIMPLY DRIVES YOU INSANE! Biscuit and I were the ones responsible for getting her into the facility, but that’s a chapter all on its own.
She had a very sad and lonely life and my heart goes out to her for not finding any peace, joy and comfort in this life of ours. She is the sole inspiration for the way I lead my life and who I am. I’m learning from her mistakes. Hopefully you could learn from mine.
She was born with the surname of Erasmus. First time round she got married her surname was Bowles, shame again, sounds like something you have to do at least once a day if you want to stay healthy that is. I’m not sure how long it lasted before they were divorced. One child was born from that union (Patsy).
That’s when the paw-paw hit the fan so to speak.
We were all under the impression (including mom) that she was also a product of this happy union. But oh no, no, no, this story gets complicated!
During the Second World War a certain soldier Badenhorst landed up in Graaf-Reinett. Grandma was in love and putty in his hands. By the grapevine they had one hot relationship. Grandma was in love, and when she shared the happy news with this chap about her tender condition, it was revealed that he was in fact a married man. To make things worse, Mr Badenhorst disappeared, never to be seen again. Granma was shattered and vowed never to love again. To the best of my knowledge, she did just that. She had so much bitterness and anger in her system and that changed her life into one living hell.
And while all this was going on, mom was growing in a womb filled with hatred, bitterness and rejection. When grandma gave birth to this “whore child” of hers, she just left her to die, she wanted nothing to do with her. She left her on the bed to die.
Auntie Jane (grandma’s sister) came in and realized what was going on. She picked mom up, cut the umbilical cord and rubbed her to get some warmth back into her cold little body. That day not only saw the birth of Eileen with no surname, but also of unspoken hatred born between two sisters. Auntie Jane could never forgive Grandma for leaving her child to die, and Grandma could never forgive her for bringing the evidence of her love for one man back to life again.
Funny thing is, this is the news that killed mom in the end. She and Ouma Steph were not speaking to one another for years because of a misunderstanding between the two husbands. Mom realized that grandma was slowly but surely losing it, and John took her to Graaf-Reinet to go and make peace. Only problem is that by the time mom actually got there, her mother had almost lost it and lived in la-la land all by herself. She spoke about her “whore child” once and mom overheard. Auntie Bella (Ouma’s other sister) had some explaining to do.
She called me (15 September 1999) from the restroom in Port Elizabeth airport on her cell phone. They were waiting to board the plane. She sounded different. Usually she was laughing and teasing me. This time she was serious. She asked me if she ever told me that she loves me. I laughed and said no. She told me again: “Alice, you are blood of my blood and heart of my heart – I love you”. The signal was bad and she promised to call me from the landline when they get home. I waited in anticipation, because something was up with my mom. I could hear she was heartbroken.
I did receive a call that afternoon. It was not from mom, but Sammy. She said mom complained of numbness is her arm and chest pain. John took her to Kingsway Hospital. It was discovered that she suffered an aneurism and was admitted for observation at approximately 11:00am in ICU. Her doctor said it was caused by severe trauma. I could not speak to her but the nurse on duty told me it is only routine and the doctor would probably transfer her to the normal ward first thing in the morning. At approximately 23:00 she had a stroke and heart attack and went into cardiac arrest. The doctor fought for 45 minutes to resuscitate her and she was hooked onto a ventilator. She was in a coma. Biscuit paid for my plane ticket and I spent ten days at her bed-side reading to her and just talking to her about anything, hoping she would open her eyes. I’m sure I made a lot of stupid promises myself in an attempt to get her to wake up, but to no avail. I want to believe that she knew I was there. There were times when she cried. I once told her that I love her more than life itself and I’m sure she squeezed my hand. She also cried when I did a prayer for her salvation. The doctor said it was spasms. But like I said – I want to believe she heard me. She passed away on the 10th of October 1999.
My mother was gone… Forever.
This sad event taught me some more about regrets. John and I could not get along at all. As a child I hated his guts for reasons I will not reveal at this stage. I did forgive him though. Hatred eats you up from inside and drags you down. Forgiveness sets you free.
So where was I. Oh yes, the biggest regret I have in my life is because I did not stand up and fight for my rightful place in my mothers life. I always stayed on the sideline and did not go to visit too often because John did his best to make me feel unwelcome. I always thought that one day when he was out of the picture, I would spend serious bonding time with my mom. But life pulled a trick on me, and my mom died first. So much for my dreams. Dreams are good, but life is much nicer. If your dreams are possible, go for it. If not, let it go and live!
Eventually Grandma married Bill Hall. Biscuit and myself worshipped the ground he walked on. I have a fond memory of one holiday we spent with them on the farm at Kendrew (just outside Graaff-Reinet). Every night I went to bed he gave me a small packet of candies. He would make a big fuss of how difficult it is to open the packet. I remember that I impatiently told him I knew how. His reply was that only grown-ups could do it. Eventually open, I would have one candy and fall asleep holding the packet in my hand. Next morning the candies were always gone. He explained that fairies came during the night to share with children who were less fortunate. I never suspected that he gave me the same packet of candies each and every evening of our holiday. Gran told me many years later. I think it’s the only time in Grandma’s life she knew happiness and stability. She would not admit it though – she made life as difficult as possible for Oupa Bill. I only realized this morning looking at his birth date, that he was only 7 years younger than Grandma’s dad! Just goes to prove that the “Sugar daddy” theory works! They were married for many a years. He passed in 1982. He had a heart attack while sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for Grandma to come home from work.
Ouma married Fanie Meiring in 1988 and they are currently still married. He feels like he has abandoned her by putting her in the Home, but I don’t think so. Both these men deserve medals for sticking it out with her! And believe me, she drives you to the point of no return, and this is no exaggeration . . . she drove me to the point of trying to . . . . no wait, will tell you about it when I’m ready.
